Bonus Beauty and the Orcs Episode!

About halfway through our super long previous, Amy, Liz, and Stacy found themselves on a long and gratuitous rant about orc culture. Here it is! We talk about our hypothetical fashion and jobs on the mountain. We had a fun and silly time while going a bit off topic from Beauty so here is a bit of bonus content from what was originally a WHOLE AFTERNOON just talking about Finley Fenn's world. 

Be sure, too, to check out more awesome stuff by our dear Finley! Visit her website here: https://finleyfenn.com

Music is called "Undead Bride" by Pagefire https://soundcloud.com/nerdymetalhead202/undead-bride

Transcript

EJ 0:01

Something I would like to talk about for funsies, because we've been doing some serious stuff. Touched on Thrain's addiction, we've touched on family dynamics, we've touched on how the Grist could easily become a cult if they very well wanted. I definitely want to come back to Thrain's addiction, too, because I feel like we only Oh, I think we'll inevitably get back into it.

Amy 0:23

And we also need to talk about secondary

EJ 0:24

antagonists. Boom. Yes. Yes, we do. Something for funsies I would like to ask is I got two things. One, staying with the the Grisk showroom, the great Grisk showroom shop. I would like to hear what sort of outfit, what sort of Orc makeover would you give yourselves if you were to live in Orc Mountain? I was thinking about this even today as I was putting on my sundress because I'm over here in the Midwest where we've got no wind and it feels like an aquarium. Yeah, everything's got I, I was over here not I don't even have a bra on, y'all. I was just like Yeah, I would not it's guilt of the show to be here. I would be the I would absolutely shun the bra. Over in Ork Mountain, I can tell you that much. I shun the bra nine times out of ten here, I would want, I think, an elaborate collection of either super duper fru lingerie. Varying from sweet and flirty to like, leather baby. Shoe, and then I would also like a series of maxi skirts and maxi dresses. Because that's my preferred... I'd probably wear a lot of maxi skirts and crop tops. I wouldn't mind, I would like the occasional pair of pants. See, my thing is, my favorite ensemble when the weather cooperates is the long skirt with leggings. Cause I got the comfort of the pants. I got the swishiness of the skirt, I feel like I can let my inner flamboyance out that way, but I'm also still practical and I'm not going to get chub rub. So I totally understand that. Approximate that, and if, because I would imagine they have to make some kind of legging, preferably not out of leather, but at the very least, I would need like bicycle shorts to wear underneath my skirts, because again, sub rub is real. So unless my orc is literally willing to carry me everywhere we go, I have to have something girding my loins. Indeed. Indeed. You might. And my other thing too, the other thing, I ain't mad at it, the other thing too is I really. dislike it. Because like when I sleep, so I'll sleep naked on the hottest night. But for the most part, I at least want a pair of shorts on because I really hate it when my inner thighs stick to each other. It gets hot. I get like a weird feedback loop where it's too hot. They're touching. It's sticky. They pull when I separate them. So I have to either sleep with a pillow between my legs or I have to have some kind of Sleep pants, sleep shorts situation on top. Top is fine. I'm I will go nipples to the wind at the slightest provocation, but but yeah, I need something to basically, I'm starting to suspect as I get older that I have more sensory issues than I realized. I just thought it was just like a personal quirk, but I realized late in life that I have synesthesia. And so I don't know if maybe it ties into that as well. And I want something that supports the arches of my feet if I'm wearing shoes. I love being barefoot, but I have really fucking high arches, and after a while my feet hurt. So I need something with some kind of squishy... Arch support y, so my joints don't hurt at the end of the day, because, again, I'm old and I'm falling apart, and also I have Osgood Schlatter disease in my knees, and then just all the jewelry. All the fucking jewelry. Pierce everything. Pierce everything, give me a crag, and put a leash on me. Let's do this.

Amy 3:58

I think for me, I just, I prefer wearing pants. I'm a pants wearer. Totally okay. I would totally want a bunch of pants, whether they're tight or loose, like Damar likes to wear. I would be good with either or, depending

EJ 4:13

on my situation. I Damar's, like how Damar's trousers are. I could probably like palazzo pants. I would love one or two super luxe pairs of leather pants, but I've seen people getting in and out of leather pants and it is an ordeal. So those would probably be more for show. Whenever I think of leather pants, I think of a very random episode from friends. When exactly when Ross gets stuck halfway up his thighs. Yes. And he's dumping baby powder in his pants, right? He gets them on. He gets them off to go to the bathroom. Can't get them back up. Yeah, because it's a sweaty mess because, and the other thing, too, is if I'm going to be wearing leather pants, there better be an underwear situation because I do not want to know what that would smell like when you took them off. No. Like my, and my poor vag does not need that kind of abuse.

Amy 5:06

They have pants, tunics. I wouldn't mind having some sundresses, though, because I actually do have a couple sundresses. I don't wear them that often, but yes, I would need leggings or bicycle shorts or something like that. Something the equivalent of that, because, again, I don't like my thighs to rub.

EJ 5:22

And... I've made the mistake of going to Disneyland in a dress and my legs were, like, hamburger by the end of the day. Chubhub is a very fucking real thing.

Amy 5:31

Also, different from you, because my feet will get cold in the mountain, I know they will, I need socks. I need plenty of socks.

EJ 5:37

Yeah, depending on where I am and how I acclimate, yeah, I'd probably want socks to at least to schlep around. And

Amy 5:44

you're sleeping. You're sleeping. I don't think I could handle sleeping naked either, because... It's just,

EJ 5:49

I don't, I would definitely be sweating. It's so give me

Amy 5:54

nice lounge pants, soft, softer clothes to sleep in. And that's perfectly fine. I need a collection of whatever leather ties or things that they use for their hair because I have to have my hair tied back. Y'all know

EJ 6:06

this. Yeah. I don't do my hair. Probably. I'm like, no. I probably just, I'll be like hair sticks. I can pin them in place with sticks. I see all

Amy 6:17

these women with their loose hair, and they're fighting, and their hair is

EJ 6:19

snapping away, and fans. Half of my head is shaved anyway, so I just need to pin it up on top.

Amy 6:26

I don't want my hair in the way, although I know some people are like why do you have long hair? Then I'm like, I like a ponytail.

EJ 6:32

Yeah. I That ponytail. Gimme a break or a bun. Yeah.'cause it's my goddamn head and I don't have to justify what I do with it.

Amy 6:40

Seriously. That's the other thing. It's just what I want. Thank

EJ 6:42

you. Let me assure you, as a woman with short hair, you can't satisfy nobody. Cause as soon as you get short hair, cause you're like, I want to deal with it. And it's true. I have short hair because I've lots of hair, but I have a lot of fine hair. So it takes two hours to blow dry this baby. When it's wet and it's long to my shoulders. I love short hair. Also, I can get away with it pretty good, too. I just, I'm seeing myself as a messy bum. Messy, messy bun mom. I see myself as a short hair mom. And that's totally cool. But yeah, no, no one's satisfied because then they're like, aren't you worried that you look like a man? And I'm like, with this ass? No. No. Why do you care?

Amy 7:28

It's my hair. Care about your own

EJ 7:30

hair. But

Amy 7:30

anyways jewelry wise, maybe a couple of pendants here and there. Can I have maybe... Some, knives hidden here and there too, maybe an armband with a couple of daggers, that'd

EJ 7:41

be great. Or you could have the, is it the grisk? Yeah, it's the grisk arm wrap that turns into a garotte. Yes, I

Amy 7:50

love that thing. I would love that thing. Even though I would try not to use it too often. It's would I have the strength to use

EJ 7:57

it? Oh, fuck yes. I would 100% abuse it and just go full Indiana Jones on everybody and snap everybody in the butt with it. And I would probably be going like dun as I did it. I channeled Drapley there. I'm like, URGH! Looking like a maniacal orc! Yes, he does. Because he is a maniacal orc. We love him for it though. All of the orcs that I don't want to meet in the dark, Drapley is on that list. Oh god. Especially because he can just fade into the dark. Yeah, exactly. And if he shows up like that, nothing good's coming with him. No wonder Cats like him. he is a cat. That's all. which is hilarious that he doesn't like cats. And cats of course, are like, I smell someone in here who doesn't like cats. Let us congregate upon him. Brothers and sisters. Indeed.

Amy 8:44

Yeah. Oh, no he likes

EJ 8:45

cats. I think he does. Oh, sure. But he won't admit it is all. Of course. Course he won't. Why would he? That would make him less catlike, why would he admit anything? Absolutely. I imagine if I were an orc mountain, I'd just be wearing a crap ton of like loose shifts, breathable clothing and everything would be like lots of lots of plant fiber bases. I'd be doing layers. I'm a layer y person. Yeah, that I do need layers too because I would

Amy 9:12

be cold. We know how cold blooded I am. Unless my orc's gonna be walking around with me like

EJ 9:17

this

Amy 9:19

the entire time. It's like

EJ 9:19

I need a wrap, y'all. I had a joke once I remember about my orc being my bra where he would just follow me like holding my tit the entire time. There we go. There we go. Your art can be your bra, mine can be my wrist. Right? Emotional support, underwire, with a knitter too, I would be knitting the crap out of like a lot of cardigans and shawls around me to deal with the natural cave drafts and probably that's where like I'd go nuts with jewelry too would be like. shawl pins and brooches. Especially because a shawl pin could double as a weapon. That's true. Especially if you've got like the old school like cloak where it's the pin that you take out of the brooch. Yep. There was a, there's a really great book by Peter Straub called Ghost Story that was written in the 70s, but it holds up really well where there's a an older woman and she wears a hat pin as a like lapel brooch. But she does it deliberately, because then when somebody gets handsy, she just BONG! She ends up stabbing this guy with it, who tried to get violent with her. I like it. She's actually a really cool character, because she's in her 60s, but looks like she's in her 40s. And she's married. To Ricky, who's this very dapper little gentleman. And Ricky is well aware of the fact that she cheats on him, but she comes home to him. So he's okay with that, basically. And with her, it's just they're dalliances. She entertains herself. And so she goes to break it off with her latest dally, because over the course of the book, she starts to realize that maybe this isn't the best way to treat my husband who loves me. But he tries to grab her and hurt her when she breaks up with him. And she just out comes the hot pin, she stabs him and boots him out of her car and drives off. It That's Another fun question I have would be your calling. At the mountain because this is something like other people were like asking and yeah, we just had a conversation. Yeah. So I'm totally pandering to that. I would alternate between probably helping with the orklings. And I think I would become a piercer. We had that conversation in private messages. I think I would become like the mountain piercer because it's super sexy when our work in question pierces his mate like totally supporting that but what happens if you're single. Thank you. Or maybe your orc has maybe your orc is like Thrak and has no idea what the fuck he's doing and can't find his ass with both hands. You gotta make your own you gotta make your own shinies, basically, and so I would love to be the Mountain Piercer. I think that'd be super fucking cool. And then if anybody's I don't know how I feel about it, I can just be like, look, this is how it looks on me, okay? Make your decision. You are a walking portfolio. Indeed. I would also laugh my ass off at getting to give an orc a dino piercing. It's like snake bites, but on the head of the penis. And apparently it's an ouchie one, but it looks pretty fucking cool when it's done. Yeah, I could see that. It would be cool. No, I think you would be... You're the sort of character that would be just a wonderful little dynamic to throw in to the or Mountain. Like I, I could just imagine some like newbie, like going through a tour of Work Mountain here is our daycare, and then there's like Stacy in the back, like sup, and then later on she like, gets into the mood of like, all right, let's get something crazy pierced. And then there's the freaking daycare worker right there! I am allowed to have disparate interests. Thank you and good day. Of course. But I'm like, how appropriate an orc mountain, like, where you can comfortably hold I am a caregiver of orklings. And a mother figure. I could ram this ring through ya. And now I'm going to be your mommy. Yep, pretty much. I would love to cuddle Orklings. Every time I read about 10 gill or a rag. I'm just like, I don't wanna cuddle the shit outta that little or oh, I just wanna snuggle the shit. The ones who wiggle are the best. It's funny. Yeah. The or leads are so well written as children. I wonder how much of that is finlay's own experience with children. Yeah, that's a good question. Especially I love love, love tango in governance. Yes, he was the most precious thing to me. Acting, yes. He's excited. He wants to hear the story about the dragon eating the mosquitoes and then needing to take a poo. Poo. Poo. Poo. That's so cute. Wow. Just, I would love, I would snuggle the shit out of any workling I came across. Amy, I feel like as the Skybrarian, you would be the librarian. Pretty much. They already have a librarian. They do.

Amy 14:31

However, as I had mentioned when we were talking about this, I would be the information organizer for the Sky Spy Network, because

EJ 14:44

goodness knows you need to organize

Amy 14:46

the shit out of their, all of their missives, all of their, all their, whatever it is, telegrams, whatever. And it's just okay, I need this report now, and I need it done like

EJ 14:56

This and this. Hillik! Give me the information, Janet. Basically standardizing sky communication, basically. So it's not you have to speak four different languages and two different dialects of hand signing. Exactly. And now we're touching on why the CIA sometimes recruits from library schools. Do they me? Yeah, I'm not at liberty to I just, I think that's that's like a brilliant point. Amy, where I'm like, ah, yes, this is actually why librarians are perfect. If you have a, if you have an intelligence organization, former library science students are some of the best new recruits you can bring in. In retrospect, and like

Amy 15:42

basically I have to go through every single one of their reports and file them by year. I would actually need to let them know I need time. It's like daytime here, your location that you got this information from, and then basically organizing that into a proper record and ledgers of all this information. So that way it can then be stored in the repository, which of course is the Kaash library. Plus there would of course be the nice go between, between the Sky and the Kaash. I'm pretty much a Sky

EJ 16:12

ish. Yeah, that's fair. I am John's pride. There you go. That would be absolutely my librarian right there. But that would be a hilarious dynamic too, because john would, on one hand, hate you, but also know that his sweet Rosa was always going to be safe when you were working together. That's true, right? Conflict. It's weird,

Amy 16:36

though, because I don't understand this. Some people are, okay, I have this weird dual reaction that I receive from people. The first one reaction I sometimes get is... Oh she's nice and quiet and whatever, blah, blah, blah, she's so nice or whatever. And then there's the kind where it's you scare me, I'm like, do

EJ 16:57

I have to do anything to scare you? I always get that. Like when I worked in the shit shop, I would constantly, like people I'd become friends with as co workers, they'd be like, I was really scared of you when I first started working here. And I'm like, what did you think I was gonna do to you? Did you think I was gonna come across the counter and just go straight for your fucking teeth? Just rip your throat out right here in the middle of the hallway? I don't get it! I'm like, I'm not trying to intimidate you!

Amy 17:27

That was one thing that I was told our poor youth librarian when I was in my last branch, our head of youth services, she's a very tiny, she's a short and very petite woman. And so I told her if there's ever any problems or whatever, and you need some, just, Back up, behind you. Let me know. I will come and stand right behind you and look at this person

EJ 17:49

that you're trying to talk to about

Amy 17:52

whatever issue is going on. She's yeah, you're the clout behind everything. And I'm like, I answered her. She's the three. I'm only

EJ 18:01

a two. With me, people always assume we'll get to talk about like how tall we are. And everybody's you're like, what, like six foot six one? I'm like, I'm five nine, you guys. Just have a big personality and I'm loud. That's the only reason you think I'm taller than I am.

Amy 18:16

I'm like, I'm very protective of our staff, especially, just because, especially the shorter ones, I'm like, I know you're feisty and whatnot, however, sometimes your height will, of course, not, it will be a detriment to you, so tall, protect the

EJ 18:30

small. We just always did a, we always planned a one two attack. I'd go for their heads and they'd go for their knees. Wise. Very wise. Fuckers would never know what hit them. And we had to restrain kids and break up fights and shit like that all the time, so I do actually know how to do a two person restraint so that the other person doesn't get hurt. I'm ProAct certified. I hope I never, ever have to use it again, but I am ProAct certified.

Amy 18:58

They say in incidents where you know there's an officer involved, they do actually have to start asking the person that they're talking to. It's are you trained in any style of martial art? And it's it's been many years. But yes, I was in Aikido and I was also in this other Korean style that you've never heard of. So we're just gonna go with

EJ 19:16

Aikido. was it happy?

Amy 19:18

cause of course my hands would possibly be considered deadly weapons. I'm like, even though I haven't been practicing since

EJ 19:23

2009, I'm trying to think of what I would be in Orc Mountain. I've got so many interests. It's hard, but I'm sure I would do something artistic as well as being a good informant.

Amy 19:37

Because of what you because of what you do things that are inconspicuous, but I can see yours. I can picture you listening to the conversations that's going on. Whether

EJ 19:45

in a human

Amy 19:47

settlement or maybe in

EJ 19:49

just another or whatever. Yeah. That's actually a really good point. Like selling fiber arts at a farmer's market, but like keeping an ear to the ground on what people were saying and anytime orcs came up, like that kind of thing. I know you're

Amy 20:02

not Skye, but you can definitely do the reporting just

EJ 20:06

fine. For sure. I totally see you with an orc blacksmith and the two of you have like a co stall at some farmer's market. And, and you're the sweet face behind the, that, that gets everybody to lower their guard while you subtly pump them for information. Oh, crap. That's actually a really good point. The work, it appears to just be working on his metal, but of course he's got the hearing, so he hears everything that's being said. I'm with my mother. We suffer from the opposite of resting bitch face. Whatever that is. So everyone's heard of resting bitch face. Resting friendly face. I have resting bitch face, so yes. So it's I

Amy 20:50

only have resting sad

EJ 20:51

face at times. I am capable of being a bitch. But usually it catches folks off guard oh, I made her mad. How? She's capable of that? My mother had two, she's now retired, but she had two nicknames as a boss. One of them was Pollyanna, but the other one was the Iron Butterfly. I like that a lot. Love it. Love it. Love it. And, cause she would come in and we're both like these round, short, happy looking women. Everybody thinks that you're Molly Weasley. You're Molly Weasley at the end of the line. I'm Molly Weasley, and she goes, Mama Bear. Actually, yeah. She fucking killed Bellatrix. I, yeah, both my mother and I have real, actually, yeah, Molly Weasley energy, but also then we have real Molly Weasley energy. Yep. Yep. Everybody forgets that the one thing you don't want to do is back a mother with a cub into a corner, man. There's a line from, one of my favorite lines from a Terry Pratchett book. Have you ever read Witches Abroad? No. I'm just not mean to read Terry Pratchett. You should. The Discworld is excellent. Don't start at the beginning because it's... He hadn't found his footing. I would start with Weird Sisters. Okay. Because that's the first intro to the witches, and the witches of Link are fucking amazing. Cool. But in Witches Abroad, the witches are abroad, basically, and they've gone to Genoa. Which is essentially like New Orleans. But there's essentially a fairy godmother who's granting wishes whether you want it or not. And so she's warping the city to become what she wants it to be. And so she's trying to turn a frog into a prince. And she's sacrificing some people who would prefer not to be sacrificed to this, basically. But one of her early experiments are just referred to as the sisters. And the sisters are these two very beautiful blonde women, and you know something's wrong with them when they open their mouths, because they have the mouths of snakes. And there's a bit where, through the entire thing, Magret, who's the youngest witch, really does not want to be anywhere near the sisters. And there's a line earlier in the book where it's something like, Magret had the natural aversion that all small, nervous, furry animals had when confronted, with a snake. And then later on in the book they back her into a corner. And that's where the scene ends and she, you find out afterwards that she ended up beating the shit out of both of them with a teapot. And all she has to say is, Sometimes the small furry thing that's backed into a corner by a snake turns out to be a mongoose. Boom. Sorry, I keep

Amy 23:24

thumbs up ing everything.

EJ 23:26

Sorry, y'all. That's alright. I love it. You should definitely, if you read Terry Pratchett let me know. I would love to talk to you about it. Cause I fucking love the Discworld books. It's the only sort of quote unquote straight fantasy that I read. I never got into Game of Thrones, or Dune, or any of that shit. That's more sci fi, but really fucking funny. The, some of the jokes are like, ba dum bum, where's my 50 cents? And then some of them are like, wait, I just fucking got that! I don't know what it is, but for some reason, jokes about Elvis Presley obeyed me every goddamn time. Did either of you ever read Good Omens? Yes. Okay, so Good Omens was co written with Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Yeah. And there's a bit in the book, I don't remember if they did it in the series, but there's a bit in the book Where, so there's this shitty fast food restaurant that, they don't realize it, but it's actually being run by famine. The horsemen of starvation, basically. And the idea is that there's so much like preservative and salt and everything in it, but there's nothing, there's no nutritional balance in it, essentially. So people eat it and they're actually, they feel full, but they're actually starving. It was super copper when they came up, right? That's terrifying, isn't it? There's a scene in there where there's an old man wearing glasses who's humming Love Me Tender. And flipping burgers and pest or family just has a moment where he's I need to get rid of that one. And it took me for fucking I read that book probably eight times before I went, Oh, it's Elvis! God, because then there's a running joke about Elvis. People seeing Elvis in tabloids. Elvis sightings. And it turns out, oh, it's fucking Elvis. And then, there was another fucking Elvis joke. There's a really great disc world book called Soul Music, and it's essentially rock and roll comes to the disc world and it's not a good thing. But there's a running bit where if you're in on Mor pork, which is the big, it's the huge twin city state, basically you have to register with their, everything is gilded because that's how they brought deliberate or not deliberate crime down. So there's a themes guild, and if you're caught. Thieving without a Thieves Guild license, you are not a thief any longer and you're not alive any longer. So basically they formed guilds, the veterinary, the patrician formed guilds and basically made them responsible for policing activity that's outside of their guild. And that's how he drastically reduced unexpected crime. And like you could buy like a Thieves Guild pass, like if you bought it at the beginning of the year, you just had to show them their pass and they couldn't mug you or rob you. To become a musician, you have to join the Musician's Guild, and there's this horrible, cranky old man in there, and every time Impy Callan the kid who becomes known as, so his name is Imp, and that just means bud, and Impy Callan means of the holly, so his name is Buddy Holly. But there's this running joke where every time he goes in, the asshole who's blocking them keeps going, Are you Elvish? You're not Elvish, are you? And I was just like, oh, he's racist. And then it was like, I saw it as an they did an animated version of it. I was like, oh, fuck, I finally got it. And he's asking me if he's Elvish. God damn it. I don't know what it is. I apparently have, I'm sight blind to Elvish jokes. I don't know what it is, but missed them both times. That's what I think is one of the brilliant things about Terry Pratchett, which I picked up on when he was doing Good Omens with Neil Gaiman, and I feel like Neil Gaiman would do more Terry Pratchett y things in his writing if he didn't take himself so fucking seriously. That's the vibe I get from Neil Gaiman. He's written comedic stuff before too. And he's good. I do find Neil Gaiman funny and I do love Neil Gaiman and this is not meant to be a Neil Gaiman Terry Pratchett podcast, but I just gotta say my piece. No, I support it. I just, I feel if Neil Gaiman got over himself a little bit more. He'd be a little bit more Terry Pratchett y if that's what he wanted to do. I don't think, I think he's content being Neil Gaiman. Yes. Yes. Indeed. Although it was really sweet. I would too if I were Neil Gaiman. Yeah. I, he, I also think it's really sweet that he insisted that Terry Pratchett was known for wearing, there was a wide brimmed hat that he would wear, and he insisted that it was in one of the scenes in Good Omens. So they were honoring Terry since he's no longer with us. That was super sweet. Did you read the thing on when he, cause he, he chose euthanasia. Basically cause he had early onset Alzheimer's. Yeah. Did you see the piece that his daughter wrote when he died? He wrote it as death. He wrote it as death coming for. His death is a character in the Discworld, and he speaks in all, and he's actually really fucking sweet for an anthropomorphic seven foot tall skeleton. But he, she wrote it as death from the Discworld coming for her father. And it was beautiful and heartbreaking because she wrote it like she had the voice down. And just what it would take as a daughter who's just lost her father to write a loving tribute like that I had to go cry. It legit, legit I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it and this was, like, fucking seven years ago or something like that now. But, if you ever really want to destroy your own sense of well being, go, cause it's just on his Twitter account is still active to the best of my knowledge. And it's still there, and you can go read it, and it's heartbreaking. That's lovely, though. I really hope that would have helped with her greeting process, because everyone's greeting process is different. Absolutely, yeah, for sure. And she helped him with the last couple of books, I do believe, if I'm remembering correctly. That

Amy 29:19

actually is a good lead in, though, for Varun and his obsession with the

EJ 29:26

crypt. Oh, my God. Oh, we need to talk a bit more about our dude, Beren. He's a character, ain't he? Literally, but also in the old timey folks way of being like, that dude's got some fucking issues.